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Fake surgeries are all the rage nowadays after multiple studies showed the power of the placebo effect. Patients of the experiments, all claimed they felt better after their surgeries, even though no surgery was actually performed. Showing the patients their doctored video footage and surface cuts was enough to have them feeling long lasting benefits.


Ontario will be the first Canadian province to implement the findings of this research into the health care system. By introducing placebo surgeries, major cuts in Health Care can be made. Corporations and politicians will now be able to siphon off even more money into their pockets, placing their newfound wealth into tax-free havens, as indicated recently in the leaked Paradise Papers.


Happy convalescing, motherfuckers.

Power of the Placebo

Shitler

LA historians have finally found the remains of Hitler’s brother, Shitler. A pooper-scooper was used to pick up his remains.



Gas Powered Computers

New LA University research calls for an additional definition of the word sobriety.*


sobriety

[suh-brahy-i-tee, soh-]

noun

1. the state or quality of being sober.

2. temperance or moderation.

3. seriousness, gravity, or solemnity:

4. Too real.*


Out of a sample of 46 addicts, 31 found waking up to birds mating and chirping very irritating and another 12 found that it induced murderous inclinations. In fact, left with BB guns and slingshots, 45 out of 46 addicts shot pellets at the birds and at the one addict who thought it was beautiful to wake up to noisy nature.

To Kill a Mocking Bird

Gas powered computers have caused several deaths and left many others with serious respiratory problems. While some are saying that using engines that produce carbon monoxide to power computers may not be savvy, Hemi Computers, the manufacturers of these said dangerous products, are staying the course.


“Our computers are safe,” says Tim Brady, CEO of Hemi Computers, “as long as operated in a well-ventilated area. It’s not our fault if people don’t take commonsense precautions. And at least, unlike Apple, we don’t need safety nets outside our factories to save our employees from jumping off the roofs like it’s bungee season. We’re American made, Baby, so tell Steve Job to suck his own dead dick.”

“Drugs give me hope. Gave me hope. Give me hope. Because I always look forward to seeing how I can manage them and not manage them.


Don’t get me wrong, I love sobriety. But perpetual sobriety… no, that”s dreadful.


So drugs give me hope.”


-–Maximillian Powers, Adventures in Downing

Quote of the Month

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