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Shaking your baby like a salt shaker can cause bone fractures, retinal bleeds, and brain damage. The medical community call this Shaken Baby Syndrome (SBS).

So please don’t turn your baby into a tard. Instead, try gently swirling it around like it’s pickled in a bottle of formaldehyde, because, you know what they say, pickled babies poop golden eggs.

Shaking Versus Swirling

If you’re so horny that you masturbate to atoms bonding together to form molecules, then you’re not as weird as you think. LA University, using a modified field-emission microscope, discovered atoms are actually shaped like little human silhouettes.

Human Atoms

Galactic Pornography

While Ecstasy death tolls are in double digits, alcohol is responsible for over 80,000 deaths, cigarettes, 480,000 deaths, and anti-depressants, 40,000 deaths–all this per year and in the US alone. Even horseback riding is more dangerous than Ecstasy.

So before you equestriennes pop your sensational hymens, change your perception and don’t be so duped next time by scary news stories about illicit drugs.

Hymens & Horses

Catch galaxies fucking themselves over a thousand quintillion years, all fast-forwarded on a two hour special. Watch stars and planets crumble into photon neutrinos, electrons, and positrons. See black holes evaporate before your very eyes. This chilling finale is exactly what you need to get your fluids flowing to appreciate your brief conscious opportunity.

Available on DVD and VHS.

In a strange, almost unbelievable tale, a man from  Calgary, Alberta claims that whenever he lies about his marriage, his wedding finger swells. Because of this phenomenon, he was no longer able to commit adultery.

However, rather than confront the failings of marriage and monogamy, he chose to cut his finger off instead.


Unfaithful Finger

Lemon Antifreeze cares about the children.