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According to the First Church of Christ, Scientist, adherants of the oxymoronic Christian Science movement, allergies are a manifestation of sin:

As adherents of Truth, we take the inspired Word of the Bible as our sufficient guide to eternal Life. Man Science has not given us the answers but the Lord giveth us plenty about the condition of our unhealthy society. Snivelling, sneezing sinners are taking Man Science Medicine to contain their corruption but are only further exacerbating the internal discord of a faithless body and mind. While we acknowledge God’s forgiveness of sin, we still believe that sin is punished so long as the belief lasts.

So come join us in our Prayer Garden as we put aside material self and sense, and seek the divine Principle and Science of all healing.

Flowers for Sinners

“Skinny bitches are for flossing my teeth. No, I want some renaissance art with curves.”


Going Soft


As part of a new corporate initiative, Dollar Stores across North America have agreed switching to organic plastic.

Locally grown in China, plastic trees are harvested every season with state-of-the-art technology and, of course, small children (for the hard to reach places). The Dollar Store promises the plastic will be pesticide-free, meaning no herbicides or insecticides–just infanticide.

Do your part and let your family, friends, appointed representatives, and super stores know you want organic plastic to be part of your community, as well.

Organic Plastic

What are you doing here this bright by the microwave? I know you can survive a nuclear holocaust but you don’t have to flaunt it. I ought call armed men to have you removed from here but, still, I won’t.

All I ask is you go back to the darkness because the day is mine. I already have enough people bugging me that I have to get rid of.

--Denise DuCrab

Have you wondered what’s in your flesh bag as you walk around guilt-free with all that weight in your wealthy belly? Harmful bacteria, medication residues, parasites, gristle, blue cheese, syrupy pops, hydrogenated oils, and Big Brother’s semen–all hardening around your colon walls. But forget colonoscopies, diet changes, immune system boosters, supplements, whole bowel irrigations, empty prayers, and circular revolutions. All you need to purge your filth is a stomach-warming glass of Lemon Antifreeze.

Lemon Antifreeze, the ultimate colon cleanser.

*This is a paid advertisement by Lemon Antifreeze. This advertisement does not imply Lemon Antifreeze’s endorsement of any of the views expressed by Lemon Antifreeze.

Colon Cleanser*